open heart surgery.

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I’m so behind on blogging it’s ridiculous. I’ve been storing pictures on my phone over the past several weeks to post & write about. but of course, when i need them, my phone dies completely. c’est la vie. it is life.

unfortunately, this is the fourth time this year a phone has died on me. my 2012 rate of cell phone is 1 phone every 3 months. usually i can resurrect the phone but after 2 days in a bag of rice, & lots of googling… this phone is still dead as a door knob. (whoever came up with that saying!?)

life these past few weeks has been filled with tests, little sleep, a regional cross country meet, shawreth’s (one of the men’s clubs at MC) informal, more tests, good talks with a best friend, & finally this weekend… rest & fellowship. as I type, i have a watch counting down the minutes till my & chelsey’s little sisters arrive on campus. this is their first road trip by themselves & our first time to hang out with all 4 of us since may. MC has no idea what’s about to hit it.

over these few months before I leave, God has been revealing so much to me. recently it has been my own flesh. on the outside, I may appear like I have it all together, but deeply rooted within me lies selfishness, arrogance, & pride. these sins have become so apart of me that they have interwoven themselves into my actions & formed habits so that I do not even notice them. isn’t that thought scarey? that sins we have had for so long have become so much a part of us that we do not even notice them. they are just an action. a habit. a part of us that we brush off as “personality.” but I cannot brush them off any longer. I must be made clean. I must be purged. I need open heart surgery.

in psalm 51, David cries out to God to clean him of his sin: “purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me, & I shall be whiter than snow…. create in me a clean heart, O God, & renew a right spirit within me.” this is my cry. I cannot cut open my flesh & tear out the dark, black roots going through my heart. they are too deep.  but I need to be more than just ripped open & cut out. because if these roots of sin are simply taken out, then I will bleed to death. I need for the wounds to be healed. or better than healing, I need to be made new.

no, I need a miraculous heart surgery. I need the black roots of selfishness, arrogance, pride to be slashed out. but then I need healing that can completely restore my heart to a new, perfect, & better condition. the bad must be replaced with good. with perfection.

but nothing good is in me. therefore I cannot do this surgery. I am helpless.

but I am not. none of us are. because there is a Surgeon thoroughly equipped to do all of this. it is God. in ezekiel 36 it says,

“I’ll pour pure water over you & scrub you clean. I’ll give you a new heart, put a new spirit in you. I’ll remove the stone heart from your body and replace it with a heart that’s God-willed, not self-willed. I’ll put my Spirit in you and make it possible for you to do what I tell you and live by my commands.”

halelujah. there is a hope. I am not left to die. I am not left to continue on in my habits that are so deep that I cannot recognize them until someone blatantly points them out. no, I am saved, set free from these bonds, & made new.

this is the gospel. this is the message that saves me. that gets me up in the morning. that allows me to live each day. I am saved. I have freedom. I am clean. there is hope. & this God loves me so much that He wants to continually to make me new. He shows me grace by revealing my sin to me & then purging me.

praise, to the Lord of all creation. blessed is He.

p.s. this blog post has gone nothing like I had planned it to be. but I feel like the Holy Spirit just took hold of my hands and thoughts, & this is what came out. I’m sorry if I was graphic, but I want you to understand how intense our sin is. it is not something to take lightly. & neither is grace. God’s grace is a healing agent that you cannot get from any doctor or pharmacy. & it’s not something to push off or wait to get it later. this is a life or death issue.

p.p.s. since this blog did not go as planned, I have left off some exciting information: God has raised OVER the amount I need for uganda! thank you to all who have supported me in this way. every time more than enough money comes in, it is always for a reason that only God knows about. so I am excited to see what is going to happen & how God will provide with this money. thank you again for all your support. continue to pray for me (physically) as I am getting all my shots this wednesday.

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