filled up & spilled out.

oh today! it is one of those weeks where the best way I can help the world is by staying in bed. the missionary mind of “give up & go out” has turned into “woe is me!” distraught, despairing, & moaning, I heavily contemplate hitting the alarm clock & rolling over.

andrew murray has a few words for me this morning. he tells me that I am not hopeless. far from it actually. I have a powerful source of grace pumping through my spiritual veins.

what must I do to get out of this “funk” that waits for my eyelids to open each morning before it pounces on my thoughts & sinks me into the mud? how do I find joy when all I really want to do is punch something?

according to murray, it’s all in the surrender. the moment by moment releasing of my will, my plans, my attitude, my “rights”, even my spiritual gifts. by laying all of ME at the cross, I gain Christ. “ever thirsting is the secret of never thirsting. each blessed experience we receive as a gift of God, must at once be returned back to Him from whom it came, in praise & love, in self-sacrifice & service; so only can it be restored to us again, fresh & beautiful with the bloom of heaven,” says murray.

was this not abraham’s story? he receives the impossible, a child at sarah’s old age, only to be told to give isaac back? the constant flow of receiving & giving. right when we think it’s ours, we must give it back only to realize it was never ours in the first place. but is it not through the emptying of what was full, that we receive more? isaac was “received back again a thousandfold more precious than before- a type of the Only-begotten of the Father, whose pure & holy life had to be given up ere He could receive it again in resurrection power, & could make His people partakers of it.”

this example I must follow. paul says that everything is a loss compared to knowing Christ? oh child of God that I am (but I constantly fail to remember), let me forget & give up my past experiences & even this present experience of grace to reach out to fully apprehend Christ in my life.

through self-denial, crucifixion of my own desires on a daily basis, do I experience the grace I need to live. the nourishment I receive in the early morning from a few moments of prayer & bible verses, I must return to its Maker in the work of the day that follows. in this giving out, my taking in grows. I am filled, then I spill. only to be filled again with even more.

murray sums it up: “in the healthy exercise of giving & taking is all the enjoyment of life.”

let me lose myself today, letting go of all that I think is mine so that I can wholly be found & filled by Him.


6 thoughts on “filled up & spilled out.

  1. oh, you sweet and faithful child of God, how grateful I am to be reading your thoughts about your first experience on the foreign field for Christ. I am living your adventure vicariously with a mixture of envy and gratitude (as in “wish I were there, oh but so grateful to be safe and comfy here at home” ). I know from my own brief times on the field that your heart is being strengthened and broken simultaneously; you ache for home, loved ones, and familiar comforts, yet rejoice in all that is new, strange, wonderful and terrible. May I be so presumptuous as to remind you of what you already know: you are on your front-line assignment in the Army of the Lord. Your marching orders are coming straight from the Throne Room, together with the strength, courage, gifts and obedience to carry them out. God is richly blessing you in every single detail of your days. You are deeply loved, Varina. God will use every single one of your tears, smiles, prayers and struggles to bless you and everyone around you in ways you will only understand when you see Him Face to face. How privileged you are to serve Him at such a deeply personal cost!

    I am a friend of your dear Grandparents, Joe and Peg, and I join them in their prayers for you. Sally

    • Thank you for that encouragement! I am learning that God supplies all that we need when He calls us somewhere. I’m so glad my grandparents have a friend like you, especially while their granddaughter is braving the African bush. 🙂 Thank you for the prayers!

  2. Oh these are Good Words…Truth Filled Words…we race around and search for meaning grasping what we can, even pursuits that He leads us down great fervor and dedication…yet these things can easily slip into an elevated position over Him. People, pursuits, callings, ministries…how we need to be reminded that our focus should b wholly on Christ, our grasping of the tasks, programs and callings at hand are to be loose gripped, keeping in our view the reality that we are His and HE is the prize. So today I will breathe in Jesus, as deeply as I can, and surrender everything to Him anew. Love that The Lord is speaking to you Variina. Keep listening. And keep sharing! 🙂 so so proud of you!

  3. Love this post, Varina. Interestingly, I just read this quote from Bernard of Clairvaux:
    “If then you are wise, you will show yourself rather as a reservoir than as a canal. A canal spreads abroad water as it receives it, but a reservoir waits until it is filled before overflowing, and thus without loss to itself [it shares] its superabundant water.”
    The idea being a canal runs dry so quickly after the rain subsides but a reservoir is a vast deep reserve of water. The challenge, of course, is living in a way that stores up reserves in our hearts and THEN offering from a place of abundance. “The good man (and woman) brings good things out for the good stored up in his heart… For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks,” Jesus said in Luke 6:45. Continue to sink deeply into the well waters of His Word and may you find deep refreshment for your heart. The overflow has been beautiful in the blog posts you have shared. LOVE your writing! Love YOU!
    Mom 🙂

    • I like that quote. Thank you! Thankfully our water is living (john 7:38) & never failing (Is. 58:11). But really, I think I am more of a geyser. In me is a deep reserve of living water that, at the right time when the pressure has built up, comes rushing up from the ground with such force that it knocks people over. BOOM! JESUS LOVES YOU! 🙂

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